40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    Bob Golen @BobGolen Greenland deploying their weather on us was an unexpected first strike. 11:25 AM 1/24/26 378K Views 180 11.9K 21K ☐ 463 ↑
  • 02
    pyroxiiumn @pyroxiumn You can never be too sure I guess MAP CHANNEL BUTIN A32 31000505 LAX JFK OF SIF 5:55 PM 1/17/26 700K Views Sores LOCAL Coa BRUNO MARS UNITED STATES SANEL 0422 32563 FEET 543 MPH
  • 03
    Benny Feldman @Feldfrog Imagine your bike has been at the Wright Brother's repair shop for weeks and you see Orville suddenly whiz over your head in a contraption 9:01AM 1/29/26 695K Views 85 17 3.5K 57K ☐ 2K
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    corb @awshuqs you have IBS? insanely beautiful syndrome? 12:49 PM 1/29/26 474K Views • 47 1.3K 16K 1.2K
  • 05
    Casey Lawrence @LeanandCuisine Was playing smash bros with my godson and his Dad tells him if he gets one stock off me then he doesn't have to eat his vegetables. Slim I cooked him so bad he started crying, this is what I do this for. This is why I love the game. Gon head and eat them veggies son • 8:32 PM 1/28/26 1.3M Views 150 18.1K 102K 4.3K ↑
  • 06
    Nick Newman @Nick_Newman Guy saw the forecast and took no chances. ZYN Nic Thank YU! VELO
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    fawn @fawnncel her eyes are as green as pickles. her freckles are spread across her face like a perfect sesame seed bun. her cheeks as rosy as tomato. her beautiful mustard hair... ketchup tinted lips... her cheesy smile... and her patties... burger she's my • 4:32 PM 1/28/26 1M Views 194 19.4K 83K 6.3K 企
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    your other mom @difficultpatty There are people who hate clutter and there are people who love to make little piles everywhere that they will get to later and these people marry each other. • 8:49 PM 1/28/26 600K Views 165 812 18K ☐ 1.2K
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    Maria @mlstrat tremendous things are happening at chattanooga, tennessee's newest asian- southern fusion restaurant ί Crab Rangoon Mozzarella Sticks (4) orean Cheese Corn Skillet 17.00 ream cheese, mozzarella, crab flakes, and green onions readed and fried in panko bread crumbs. Served with sweet nili dipping sauce 3 100% (5) 14.00 veet corn tossed in sriracha mayo and condensed milk, bake th gouda and mozzarella cheese, and topped with green ions and sriracha seasoning. Served with crostinis op
  • 10
    Miss Ally @MissAlly_01 My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. Fantastic father. Terrible air traffic controller. 1:59 PM 1/26/26 1.5M Views • 225 4.1K 99K ☐ 2.5K ↑
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    horse dentist @equine_dentist if my fries came out looking like this and piled this high i'd go back into the kitchen and tongue kiss the chef 9:00 PM 1/26/26 842K Views
  • 12
    POLIC LOUISVILLE LE1PD LMPD @LMPD If you crash tonight doing donuts in a parking lot, that's between you and Jesus. We're tired. 12:23 AM 1/25/26 1M Views • . 346 1.9K 26K ☐ 1K
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    ARCHIV Blake @Arealmfngl today marks the 10 year anniversary of the time I fell off the swings at a park and some bitch ass kid said "what season is it?? fall?" I pray that he's dead every single day 5:14 AM 1/22/26 842K Views 178 2.8K 50K ☐ 1.8K ↑
  • 14
    Khoi Dao @khoidaoo0 devil on my shoulder: you should do another japan trip angel on my shoulder: yeah that would be sick 9:29 PM 1/21/26 343K Views 37 1.9K 22K ☐ 731
  • 15
    Cole Adams @coleadamss Checking every weather forecast imaginable to see if it's going to snow 1 inch or 15 inches this weekend adida 0:04 1ST & 10 2ND 3:37 25 10 From McNeil BIGPLAY 11:38 AM 1/22/26.53K Views ○ 1 216 11 1 INDIANA 15-0 2K 60 ↑
  • 16
    Tom Fornelli @TomFornelli I'm 200 pages into The Count of Monte Cristo and I have not read a single word about the sandwich yet. Feels like a lot of unnecessary backstory. 11:27 PM 1/20/26 266K Views • 218 17389 7.7K 149 ↑
  • 17
    Icona @iconawrites People think I do all the cooking for myself and my husband because I have some trad belief that men don't belong in the kitchen. The truth is that I am Italian and my husband is English, and I do not believe any English person of any gender belongs in my kitchen. 5:33 PM 1/20/26 2.5M Views 1.3K 179.6K 168K 3.5K ↑
  • 18
    ITZ231 @_Cypher_Rkive Y'all not going to convince me that Brooklyn Beckham is a victim of his parents when they supported him in every one of his careers, especially when they financed his photography facet and that was his job. I'm dying at the descriptions so hard to photograph but incredible see. dinner. i like this picture - it's out of focus but you can tell there's a lot going on. 6:20 PM 1/19/26 3.6M Views 466 17 3.3K smoking is bad- but i love how the light illuminates his hands and face
  • 19
    tabitha arnold @thetolerantweft A dentist lives as the solitary male in a pack of female hygienists, until a younger dentist challenges him and forces him out 9:36 AM · 1/19/26 · 782K Views 80 17 1K 30K ☐ 1.3K ↑
  • 20
    Sean O'Connor @seanoconnz They gave him a steak with candles like he's a dog about to die. HHS @HHSGov. 2d No cake, just steak. Happy Birthday @SecKennedy! We are so grateful for your leadership and determination to Make America Healthy Again. HEALTH&HUMAN SERVI ALTH HUMA ANSE
  • 21
    Mike Bales O @MikeBales Took a picture of my wife standing in front of a horse and now she won't talk to me. 10:53 AM 1/19/26 1.4M Views
  • 22
    Mike Bales @MikeBales Marriage Tip: Every time you talk to your wife your brain should remember that this conversation is being recorded for training and quality purposes. Anything you say can and will be used for reference in the future. • 9:33 PM 1/17/26 674K Views 376 1 2.6K 22K 2.4K ↑
  • 23
    gianmarco @GianmarcoSoresi Eating in Japan really made me believe that tipping culture is so stupid and unnecessary but eating in Australia makes me wish I had a way to punish the waiter 9:05 PM 1/17/26 2.9M Views • 322 12.3K 84K 3.3K I
  • 24
    The Daily Daily Harry Potter Harty Pe@TheDailyHPotter "Better be... Gryffindor!" - The Sorting Tiramisu • 11:30 AM 1/17/26 108K Views 25 1432 7.7K ☐ 174 ↑
  • 25
    parks → @parkersity_9 don't understand why electricians aren't called power rangers but okay 6:10 AM 1/14/26 950K Views 276 12K 84K ☐ 2.5K ↑
  • 26
    microplastics epicurian @facetedcarapace listen I don't have time for whatever the fuck this means All day Astronomy @forallcurious. 1d : Copenhagen physicists assert that reality 'responds' to human choices in reverse • 10:08 PM 1/16/26 2.8M Views
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    Ron Iver @ronnui Idk the chemistry behind this but couch blanky is equivalent to 10,000 melatonins 9:59 PM 1/15/26 615K Views • 18 11.6K 31K ☐ 895 企
  • 28
    QuoProQuid @TNOQuoProQuid four basic types of cop shows: 1. you won't believe WHAT crimes we solve 2. you won't believe HOW we solve crimes. 3. you won't believe WHERE we solve crimes 4. you won't believe WHO we're letting solve crimes 8:44 PM 1/15/26 1.1M Views . 244 1 3.2K 55K ☐ 4.2K
  • 29
    angie @b1p0lar2 please use "okay" instead of "ok" cus okay is happy and ok is mean and evil . 2:42 PM 1/28/26 3.1M Views 2.2K 1 13K 79K 3K
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    microplastics slime quest @facetedcarapace they both have a aristocratic European sickly quality like they spent ages 6-9 in a tuberculosis sanitarium where they were only spoken to by servants who didn't make eye contact. Redd RIS@ReddCinema. 1d can't stop thinking about how timothée chalamet and natalia dyer have the same face 5:44 PM 1/29/26 1.1M Views 129 1.6K B LOW 32K ☐ 2K ↑
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    jay✰✰ @jayythewave How it feels working in the bank jarvis @jarvistwts. 1d His greed sickens me จ 7> & 7 16 85 T Y U G H r 10:30 AM 1/29/26 3M Views 253 • 11K 182K ☐ 5.3K ↑ V B N
  • 32
    Vessel Of Spirit @VesselOfSpirit san francisco was just called san fran until 1991 when cisco systems paid the city 47 billion dollars to append cisco to its name. the inhabitants are very touchy about people using the original name now, for legal reasons. it's a violation of contract law 2:34 AM 1/29/26 387K Views 39 411 9.1K 607
  • 33
    Dredgen Sale @destiny_thememe imagine cheating at a coldplay concert and now youre in a superbowl ad i wouldve left this planet 4 DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm. 11h Pepsi has released their Super Bowl ad that restarts the soda wars by stealing Coca Cola's iconic polar bear mascot. 11:39 AM 1/29/26 733K Views 12 17977 32K ☐ 1.4K 企
  • 34
    Jed Dog Kingly @JedKingly Winter is great because 2 months in you're like that was neat but that's enough of that. And then Actual Winter hits. 10:48 PM 1/19/26 2.5M Views 211 1 13K 197K ☐ 4K ↑
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    happy @abjectbaby Germans will be the nicest people in the world, help you in any way, be extremely knowledgeable and curious about your culture, but when you ask them about their own culture they will look at you earnestly and say "germany deserves to be annihilated for eternity." 2:26 PM 1/26/26 4.3M Views • 364 2 1.1K 32K 2.1K ↑
  • 36
    Queer Latifah @TheAfrocentricI I too would retire from the company that left me up in space for 9 months when I was only supposed to be there for 8 days. Pop Base @PopBase 1/21/26 Sunita Williams, one of the astronauts that was stranded in Space for 9 months, announces she is retiring from NASA. 2:28 PM 1/21/26.7.3M Views 491 17 26K 471K ☐ 6.1K 企
  • 37
    Dan Wolken @DanWolken I have arrived in Italy for the Olympics and this is what they think of us .0 SUPER VEGGY AMERICANA
  • 38
    big headass bong yoda @gummysalamander in your 20s you will have a roommate who doesn't do the dishes. it is important that you kill them 9:49 PM 1/30/26 756K Views 63 1.7K 32K 875 企
  • 39
    Grace @gracecamille_ remember when that woman caught her husband cheating when she was away on a trip bc she got a notification that someonen weighing 130 lbs was on their smart scale at like 3 AM Imfaooooo Last edited 11:22 AM 1/30/26 6.2M Views 534 15.3K 228K ☐ 7.7K 企
  • 40
    BADMAN terminally onλine Engineer @tekbog this is so funny because everyone was like "this thing is listening" and it turned out it was listening GO Globe Observer @_GlobeObserver.3d BREAKING: Google has agreed to pay $68 million for allegedly secretly listening to its users. G 3121 KB 23277553 89279793 KB 8927 7:19 AM 1/28/26.3M Views 505 17 20K 173K ☐ 7.2K ↑
  • 41
    sarah @wetneptune I just thrifted a skirt & when I showed my mom, she said she had the same skirt in the early 00s. she asked what brand it was & I said "fashion bug, but someone wrote on the tag". she laughed & said "I used to write my initials on the tags of my clothes" & when I looked again, I noticed it was her initials lol . 12:40 PM 1/31/26 1.5M Views 107 17 1K 66K ☐ 2.8K ↑
  • 42
    pwnlord69 ❤ @pwnlord69 my clawdbot hacked my toto bidet and it boiled the water in my toilet through a firmware hack and now my asshole is being treated for 2nd degree burns all because it heard me call it a clanker through my alexa -- they're laughing about it on moltbook 11:42 AM • 1/31/26 296K Views 82 291 4.6K 319

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